家里有个熊孩子

摘要: 七岁的小男孩是地球上最可怕的生物，他们有好奇心、行动力、破坏力以及《未成年人保护法》
Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

我们家有一个从我祖母传下来的古董镜子，很长一段时间都找不到了，本来以为丢了，结果今天学校校长来我们家家纺我才知道，我们 11 岁的孩子拿这个在学校偷窥人家女生的底裤。 FML

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door. Apparently, someone told him my 12-year-old son tried opening his car door last night. He's the third person to tell me this in less than 24 hours. We are officially the neighborhood parias. FML

我觉着我们可能又要搬家了，就在刚刚，我们邻居过来跟我讲说有人看到我儿子晚上半夜 12 点想打开他的车门，我也不怎么想信，可是这已经是今天第三个这么讲的了。 FML

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

好囧，今天走在路上遇到我高中的一个屌丝同学，身边居然站着一个超级重点的辣妹，老子就跟他开玩笑：“弟妹这眼睛是瞎了还是咋滴，怎么能看的是你这么个货。”，结果这个货一本正经的跟我讲，“嗯，她是什么都看不见”。 FML

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

囧了，今天去一家公司参加一份面试，没想到老板的秘书居然是我高中时候的梦中情人，面试完之后跟老板握手道别，然后努力做出一个自然的动作来跟我的女神挥手道别，然后高潮来了，他们公司的门是整个的玻璃的，不认真看不是很好分辨那个是门哪个是墙，在用最“优雅”的姿势跟女神挥手道别之后，哥们一转身直接怼玻璃墙上了（谁特么把玻璃擦这么干净的）。 FML

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

被一坨牛屎以每小时 100 公里的速度迎面拍脸上是什么样的体验，跟我男朋友一起开车回家，从高速下来的时候刚好有一辆运奶牛的车迎面驶来，结果突然之间一大坨新鲜的牛屎以每小时 100 公里的速度拍到了我的脸上，我男朋友应该挡在我的前面的，结果一点儿都没沾到，丫居然笑我笑抽抽了。 FML

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

说出来可能都没人信，我居然被一个三岁的小孩陷害了，今天在我邻居家帮忙看孩子，那个孩子用油彩笔把地毯涂的满地都是，结果大人回来的时候这个孩子居然一脸愤怒的看着我，，然后我就被解雇了(被赶回家了)。 FML

Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

斗地主有个炸弹的故事想必国内都知道的，在很多场合都是不适合说炸弹这个词的，比如飞机上，比如火车上，此为前提，楼主带着儿子回老家看望父母，路上跟儿子一起玩儿一个马里奥赛车的游戏，突然，熊孩子大喊一声“我有炸弹！”，好吧，整个车厢的人都疯了，本来我们应该在下一站就下车的，现在我跟我的儿子一起在警察局录口供。 FML

原文地址： http://www.shitmylife.cn/subject/info/31